The dog days of summer are often the most difficult time to be a sports fan. There is not much going on in the sports world and baseball is the only one of the four major sports that is in season, and it is in these late days in August when the winners begin to separate from the losers. As a fan of one of the ‘losers,’ I find myself in a position where I am just biding my time until football season finally begins, which also signifies that basketball and hockey are to soon to follow. However, I know I am not alone in this boat, so without further ado, I offer you 10 things to do when your team falls out of contention.
1.) Play Madden
It’s no surprise that this incredible football game is in its 21st season of distracting guys from doing work around the house. This year, just like every other year, offers even more improvements. Most notably are weekly roster updates, which allow you to constantly stay up to date with the real NFL rosters. Yes, this means you can have Brett Favre on your team (still no word on if the technology allows Packers fans to mutilate him). And, even more satisfying? Yes, you can play with Michael Vick (insert dog joke here). Perhaps the best part, at least for comedy’s sake, is that Plaxico Burress is still on the Free Agents list, so you could sign him to play with Vick. Throw in Burt Reynolds and you’re well on your way to a Longest Yard remake (without the burden of a slightly depressed Adam Sandler to tank the whole thing). And if all of that isn’t enough for you, nothing cures your team’s suckiness more than laying the hit stick on Giselle’s child-abandoning husband and finding out you knocked him out for 6 weeks with broken ribs.
2.) Research Fantasy Football
Barely edging out Madden in the “Ways to Make Sure No Girl Ever Comes Near You” category is Fantasy Football. Unlike your baseball team, Fantasy Football actually gives you the opportunity to run a team in whatever way you want. However, you’re not the Washington Nationals, so don’t come unprepared, and then wonder why 1 week into the season your team has less of a chance of winning than Paul Walker has to win an Oscar. Take the time to actually do some research. Find some sleepers and look deeper into each of the players, even the ones who are so-called ‘locks.’ Again, you may not impress too many ladies doing this, but let’s be honest, when football season rolls around, sitting on the couch rooting for your Fantasy Team sure beats sitting on the couch rooting for your girlfriend to stop asking if she’s been looking fat the last few weeks.
3.) Watch the Little League World Series
If you’re looking for family dysfunction, don’t bother with Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Little League World Series is just for you. Nothing beats a bunch of 12 year olds with more facial hair than the Unabomber being forced to play 6 innings of baseball against other equally miserable 12 year olds who haven’t really stopped playing baseball in 6 months. Plus, the coaches are forced to wear microphones, allowing us the pleasure of watching them go out and talk to their players while we all sit at home praying the poor guy doesn’t drop an F-bomb and become the next Youtube star. And if all of that isn’t enough, it’s the only sporting event not featuring Adam Morrison where the losers cry. I’m in.
4.) Go to the Movies
The end of summer may not be a good time for sports, but it’s typically a great time for movies. Just as the baseball season is winding down, so too is the blockbuster season. Studios have pretty much trotted out their biggest movies earlier on in the summer, which is good because that means they begin to focus on the ones with some actual substance. Instead of watching Michael Bay blow everything up, we get to watch a Quentin Tarantino movie. True, it’s not Oscar season, so the real quality films are still hanging in the balance, but there’s certainly a little more to be desired in the late-summer movies. Plus, if your team isn’t winning, watching things like soldiers cutting the scalps off of Nazis is a pretty solid alternative.
5.) Watch an entire TV series beginning to end/present
This is probably the most surefire way to have everyone around you hate your guts for a solid two to three weeks. I speak first-hand as someone who spent three weeks catching up on Lost. It’s the best way to watch a show, because it’s basically like watching a week long movie. Sure, there are probably more important things to do, but when you look at your team’s schedule and see there’s three weeks remaining, this is the easiest way to pass the time.
6.) Watch The Real World
Alright, I must confess up until this current season, I had never watched any of the previous 21 seasons of MTV’s The Real World. Honestly, that’s probably a good thing. However, when your team stinks and you don’t know what else to do with yourself, nothing beats watching 8 obnoxious twenty-somethings wander around a random city getting as drunk as humanly possible and saying things they are sure to watch later on with their buddies (though it is hard to assume they actually have buddies in the real Real World) and feel utterly embarrassed by it all. Is it good TV? Absolutely not. Will I watch again next season? Heck yeah. That’s The Real World in a nutshell; it’s less thoughtful than a Pauly Shore movie, but when your team stinks, who needs thinking?
7.) Go to see/read up on your Triple-A team
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that this season is over with. However, that does not mean all hope is lost for your franchise. If you get the chance, find out when the Triple-A affiliate of your ball club is close-by and drive over to see it. It’s incredibly entertaining watching the young kid who’s just waiting for that phone call to play in the big leagues hit off of that old guy who used to be a big shot in those same big leagues until drug testing was implemented and all prior baseball skill diminished. Now, I have never personally witnessed a murder, but I imagine when someone is angry enough to commit such a vile act, they look something in between Michael Corleone when finds out Fredo betrayed the family and talked with Hyman Roth and Johnny Ola, and a minor league baseball player who used to play in the major leagues. If you can’t go, at least find out who’s on the roster. You never know which one will be the next big thing.
8.) Clean House
Just as the sham baseball teams begin cleaning house and shipping away players who offer no value to the team, you too can get rid of all of the useless items in your home. For bonus points, try selling it online. After all, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. In the case of baseball, one trash American Leaguer is a treasure National Leaguer. Just ask Matt Holliday, Julio Lugo, John Smoltz, and anyone else on the St. Louis Cardinals roster. Sadly, however, sale of San Diego Padres players on Ebay is strictly forbidden.
9.) Read a book
Just kidding... kind of. Alright, I’m not saying this is a bad thing but let’s not kid ourselves, if you read the first 8 options and decided this was the best one, well then you probably don’t have/deserve a team anyway. However, I don’t think I could blame you for this. After all, you’re safe. You don’t have to deal with the pain of seeing your team go through the motions for the last month of the season, without any payoff awaiting them. Moreover, you don’t have to be one of those pathetic fools who lounge around all day, don’t do anything, act all depressed, and say things like “There’s always next year.”
10.) ……….
There is no 10.) Screw it. There’s always next year.
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