Matchup: CINCINNATI vs. FLORIDA
Old Name: ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Name: TIM TEBOW’S FAREWELL BOWL
Analysis: A wise choice by the BCS bowl committee. They knew full well that the game would be on FOX, the network that last year featured Thom Brennaman spewing approximately 138 gushing Tebow anecdotes in a single broadcast (remember when he suggested, “hang out with Tim Tebow for even five minutes and he will change your life”? Yeah, that’s not biased broadcasting). Since this is officially the final game Tebow will ever play at the college football level (and let’s face it, with those throwing mechanics, he won’t see a single snap in the NFL, at least at the quarterback position. But “he’ll make practice so much better!” Ok, I just puked. I digress) the game is certain to take a back seat to the countless stories of lives that have been changed by Jesus Christ Jr. himself. Should the booth actually take time to mention the game itself, they will likely discuss Cincinnati’s… I mean the Bearcats’… uhhh, ehhhhh, who am I kidding? It’s Tebow’s bowl, I didn’t bother researching the other team.
Prediction: FOX assigns Brennaman to call the action just to make sure we get our rightful share Tebow-ness, but he passes out from the realization that his hero is playing college football for the last time and he will never again get the chance to call one of his games. Florida wins, Tebow thanks God, cries a lot, then sells his soul to the Devil in exchange for a career in the NFL. Hey, as spring break with that prude Jesus-freak from Bio lab teaches us, anyone is corruptible. Speaking of which, Urban Meyer will reiterate the fact that he will “remain in Gainesville as long as they will have me,” before accepting the Notre Dame job three days later.
Matchup: TCU vs. BOISE ST.
Old Name: TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
New Name: OHHHH, THIS IS WHY PEOPLE WANT PLAYOFFS BOWL (also known as) THE other BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Analysis: Look, I don’t know if either of these teams is more deserving than Texas or Alabama to play for the BCS “National Championship*” but, the problem is that there shouldn’t have to be a choice between the four (and, actually, Cincy has just as much right to be in the conversation as these four teams, so make that five). If you are one of the six people out there who still defend the BCS system, A.) You should light yourself on fire for being an idiot, and B.) You need to recognize that this game is the reason why the system is a joke. I agree that Boise St. plays some sub-par teams each and every year, but they did defeat Pac-10 champion Oregon to start the season; and it doesn’t matter who they played, to finish a season undefeated is a remarkable feat. Both teams have been flawless all season and they can certainly use this stage to make their case as a possible Co-National Champion (yeah, like that would happen.)
Prediction: TCU has absolutely crushed opponents all season, and this is a better team than the one that defeated Boise St. 17-16 in last year’s Poinsettia Bowl. The Horned Frogs roll and cause a stir in the National Championship* discussion.
Matchup: GEORGIA TECH vs. IOWA
Old Name: FedEX ORANGE BOWL
New Name: YEAH, WE DON’T CARE EITHER BOWL
Analysis: I’m sure both of these teams have plenty to be proud of in regards to their respective seasons. But the fact is neither team is particularly intriguing. Iowa got in because they had a good year in the worst conference in College Football [The Big (and slow) Ten] and Georgia Tech won a very lackluster ACC conference. Tech’s heavy combination of option plays on the offensive side could potentially provide some excitement; and against a slow Big Ten team, they may be able to run for days. Of course, if it plays out like last year’s bowl against LSU, they may just have no success rushing at all and we’ll be stuck with another snooze-fest. Either way, if you don’t live in Iowa or Georgia, the only reason you should watch this is because it’s on a Tuesday and there is literally no other option for T.V. My suggestion? Go to the movies.
Prediction: Georgia Tech’s option offense actually works (it’s the only way this game could be watchable) and they run all the way to victory. Just as an aside, doesn’t Iowa’s freshman quarterback James Vandenberg have the most enjoyable name to scream profanities at? You can imagine Bud Kilmer from Varsity Blues pacing the sidelines and yelling things like “God da%$it Vandenberg!” or “Get your head out of your A@$ Vandenberg!” Here’s hoping we get at least seven “WTF” plays from James F---ing Vandenberg (ahh, that felt good.)
Matchup: OREGON vs. OHIO ST.
Old Name: ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY CITI
New Name: TRADITION KIND OF SUCKS BOWL
Analysis: I understand that for basically as long as there has been a Rose Bowl, it has been a matchup between Pac-10 and Big Ten. But as the Detroit Lions have showed over the past six Thanksgivings, traditions are only worthwhile if they don’t suck. We all know how this one will play out, Oregon’s speedy offense will run all over a slow, Big Ten opponent in Ohio St. Terelle Pryor will likely have success against an average Oregon defense, but as the game turns in to a shootout, Oregon will run away with it as they are built to do so. I know this is not practical, but would anyone complain if the BCS threw Ohio St. against Iowa so that Big Ten fans could watch their crappy teams play it out like a couple of Special Ed kids in a boxing ring? That would pit us with a matchup between Oregon and Georgia Tech, two teams who would run all over one another. Oregon definitely would have trouble stopping Tech’s option attack, but their offense would likely have no trouble moving the ball either and we would have a full-on shootout on our hands. Instead, we’re stuck with this; a one-sided all out offensive attack against an under-matched opponent.
Prediction: What? That wasn’t obvious enough for you? Oregon steamrolls an overrated Ohio St. team, but Terrelle Pryor still manages to have a solid game, enough to cause all of the pathetic Ohio St. fans to start their annual “Next year we’ll show we can win a National Championship” routine. Spare us, we’ve been here before. Enjoy your annual January loss instead.
Matchup: TEXAS vs. ALABAMA
Old Name: CITI BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
New Name: THE LEAST CREDIBLE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME NOT ONLY IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, BUT IN ALL OF COMPETITIVE SPORTS (or, more simply) CITI BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME*
(* denotes lack of credibility for said game as it is the by-product of a system that crowns a champion through a combination of majority vote and computers, rather than simple competition, like every other sport in the history of athletics.)
Analysis: Okay, so this may be a little harsh. To be fair, these probably are the two best teams in the country, but it’s just hard to root for a team when you know they aren’t the only ones deserving to be called the outright champion. One thing is for certain, with the top two Heisman candidates being Colt McCoy and Mark Ingram, look for the loser in this race to outplay the winner (see 2006 National Championship, Reggie Bush and Vince Young). Since Mark Ingram is the more deserving of the two and should take home this year’s trophy, it may not be the best bet to pencil in Alabama just yet.
Prediction: Alabama is the better team, and after seeing Mack Brown and Colt McCoy’s clock management at the end of the Big 12 Championship, the Tide are far better coached as well. Bama’s style of play is the closest to that of an NFL team, as they run the ball effectively and control the clock. Texas showed they can be stopped by a good defense, which Alabama has, and the Tide showed their offense can keep up with the best of them. So if you’re keeping track, the Tide have a better coach, a more efficient offense, and a less susceptible defense. As they say in Tuscaloosa, “Roll Tide.”
Let the annual BCS debate begin.
Happy Holidays to all… even the Jews
